A Birthday...

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show...(the opening lines of David Copperfield as written by Charles Dickens;inspired by MTM). Or at least this ACCOUNT will, perhaps, have a reflection on whether I'm going to be the hero in my own life.

...Winter brought with her the rains, oceans of mud filled the roads
Gluing the tracks of their tanks to the ground while the sky filled with snow
And all that I ever was able to see
The fire in the air glowing red silhouetting the snow on the breeze
In the footsteps of Napoleon the shadow figures stagger through the winter
Falling back before the gates of Moscow,
Standing in the wings like an avenger~~~Al Stewart; ROAD TO MOSCOW(this is posted in this week's web log because this week marks the anniversaries of two follies attempting to make HOLY MOTHER RUSSIA part of somebody else's imperial ambitions)

This is going to be one of those chapters in this journal where I want to say so much, but I can't because it will be upsetting to some people; cutting to the core about how some people, and some statuses, are perceived.

Why the Sex Disappeared In Our Marriage~~~Sharyn Wolf, LCSW---Author of "Love Shrinks: A Memoir Of A Marriage Counselor's Divorce"

Let me explain the sex life I had with my ex-husband. During the official 8 years of our marriage, my husband and I had sex three times. Two of the times I remember. The third--well, I'm just guessing there had to be three.

It's hard to talk about this. I don't want to hurt my ex-husband or to shame him or myself. But this failure at physical intimacy does seem shameful, inexplicable and humiliating.

There is a universal code in sexless marriages, and the code is "don't tell." But it can be tiring to keep such a secret. Moreover, to my great surprise, when I admitted this idiosyncrasy of my own marriage in the Huffington Post back in March, I received numerous letters from other people who were in the same boat in one way or another. There were countless couples who also were not having any sex. Many of the couples were still married.

In the very beginning, my ex and I were like any other couple. We had sex all the time. Our lovemaking was happy and we were satisfied with how it was going.

Then my ex went off to Japan for business, and I started snooping through his things. I realize this was a terrible thing for me to do. No one snoops to find the theater ticket he was going to surprise you with. We all snoop to find something that will break our hearts. And that's exactly the something I found. I found a letter that revealed that he had cheated on me on a previous Japan visit, and I found a phone bill with 1-900 calls on it.

This led to a phase of no sex.

Many couples have a phase of no sex.

Our phase lasted thirteen years. This consisted of several more years of our dating and nearly our entire marriage.

We should have gone to therapy right there and then.

We should have gotten the help we needed.

I cannot tell you why we did not.

In the beginning, he protested. He wanted our sex life back. But soon, he stopped and peacefully entered into a non-sexual existence.

We loved each other, but I could not get past what had happened. I did not want sex with him, but I did not want to leave him either. He wanted sex with me, but he didn't want to lose the relationship and was willing to pay this price. The fact that he was willing to pay it for so long suggests to me that he has some issues of his own around this topic

The reason I took this tough position was that I had been sexually molested as a child and when my husband cheated on me, I emotionally began to see him as a predator--someone who would hurt me. I could not get this awful picture out of my head. I started acting like a three-year-old, a child to whom nothing terrible had happened yet. My husband joined me there, and, instead of sex, we had a houseful of stuffed animals that made us happy.

At one point, though, I became interested and approached him. At this time, he was not interested at all and did not want to talk about it. So we both had periods of feeling sexual and periods of wanting nothing to do with sex.

But I do believe healing is possible. Despite our insurmountable obstacles, there was this one time we almost reconnected. It was ages ago, before I became a psychotherapist. I was still a jazz singer. I had a gig in another town and he came with me. For the first time in years, we found the way to each other. I did not push him away. I allowed myself to feel that, for the first time, he was enjoying me--not just that I was a female, but he was actually making love to the essence of me. It was the first time I had an orgasm with him and I must have told him I loved him a thousand times.

Then we came home to our ugly apartment with the filthy dishes, overwhelming dust and all those terrible memories. I pushed him away again. He said, "You know why you are doing this--because we got too close."

I just could not come back to him in any grown-up way.

Today I understand. In the hotel room, there had been no cheating, no 1-900 calls, no childhood molestation--a place of safety for us.

The hotel room was enchanted. The spell only worked when we were there.

Every couple who doesn't have sex has reasons far beyond the simple one that they just stopped or weren't turned on by each other anymore. I would wish that people would understand the complexities in us all and find out more before they judge.

A N D

Dear Abby: My husband, “Ed,” and I have been together for six years, married for two. This is the second marriage for both of us. We have children from our first marriages. Ed works offshore. He’s gone 21 days and here 21 days. The three weeks he’s gone, I work, take care of the house and the kids, do the yard work, etc. When he comes home, I want him to myself the first weekend—I don’t want to share him with his friends. I’d like to do fun things with him sometimes, just the two of us.

Ed says I have to understand his friends are important. He says I’m selfish and jealous. He doesn’t show affection very well either (except behind closed doors), and I am a very affectionate person. Am I asking too much from him? I am considering counseling, but I’m unsure whether Ed would go.

—Bored and Lonely in Mississippi

Dear Bored and Lonely: Counseling is an excellent idea, and if Ed won’t go, you should go without him. Asking your husband to spend two days of one-on- one time with you when he returns from three weeks away isn’t too much, and it’s not selfish. He needs to reorganize his priorities and put you higher on the list than his buddies.

Affection is supposed to be spontaneous, and you shouldn’t have to beg for it. What you describe going on behind closed doors sounds more like plain old sex and a whole lot less like affection. Unless your husband is willing to put more effort into your marriage, I can’t see you living until death do you part on a starvation diet—and you can tell both your husband and your counselor I said so.


Maybe I will be like Joe Friday of Dragnet---and just report the facts. Let the observer see it Shakespeare.

I'm confused. At 60, am I supposed to enjoy, affections and intimacies, or not??? Even as I have been reminded in no uncertain terms that the reason why the male drive dries up by this age is because women can no longer bear children and so the male reproductive function is designed to become dysfunctional. And while that may be the case, I cannot speak for other men, but I know my psyche, and my psyche still craves attention; affections, and even going out on the limb to possibly attempt intimate exchanges.

So here I am---in my Sixtieth year of life, and am in a relationship that is totally devoid of anything that constitutes humanity. There is no attention given, there is no exchanges of affection, there isn't any real qualitative conversation---to speak of. What does take place, does so between the distance of two-rooms, and sometimes---two floors. And this is a 37 year old relationship; one that is well -grounded in experiences and memories. Yet, I have been reminded often that these are things of the past and have no bearing or relevance on the here-and-now, and the future. The effort at avoiding interaction is constant. If it wasn't for Andrew, I would be @ McDonald's every day getting my supper.

I posted the two articles above because it has to do with relationships and how we torture each other denying the interaction essentials that are the flavoring ingredients, thereof. No sex; no affection, is just a very very tough pill to swallow at this point in my life. Abigail Van Buren hit the nail on head with; "Affection is supposed to be spontaneous, and you shouldn’t have to beg for it...Unless your [wife] is willing to put more effort into your marriage, I can’t see you living until death do you part on a starvation diet—and you can tell both your [wife] and [her] counselor I said so."

Affection-starvation-diet!!!

I cannot say that I have seen relationship-deterioration labeled, any better. I realize that I am not---without fault. Yes I have made my share of mistakes. But if we LIVE what we hear in the homilies preached at Mass every week; about faith, healing, forgiveness, and love, then I feel we should be able to get beyond the good, the bad, and the ugly---to build on the foundation, and thirty-seven years of building blocks, to where this marriage is considered second-to-none. Instead, it is just another one---Fading Away. I mean, she is not even wearing the wedding rings, or the reaffirmation ring at all, anymore.

Which brings me to Friday 24 June, 2011. A Great Day!!! Fridays do often represent the best of days---of the week, for me. Because it was my birthday, I was not going to be denied enjoying it.

In getting up, I was greeted, as she was hastily making her way out of the bedroom, with the obligatory---Happy Birthday. It was Spartan and sterile. There was no effort at all to come on my side of the bed first, to give an embracing, and engaging, affectionate happy-birthday-statement. She wanted to hustle out to get coffee for herself, and me---as she puts it. I take a shower and shave in slow-motion; she didn't HAVE TO hustle to do anything. She could have given me some quality-time and affection-infused attention. But then, I expected it to be this way; the affection starvation-diet, and the continued no-touch policy. I can see my gift-containers in the corner of the bedroom, but she has not brought them to me so I know that this is not going to be a bedroom-experience. Once I am dressed, I make my way downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. At this point she returns---with the coffee. It is in the breakfast-setting that the gifts are presented. The Card---which for Donna has always been an event-priority. More than the gift itself, the Card is supposed to be THE EVENT STATEMENT. Donna's Card, a milepost-card had a small personal note reflecting all the memories that my 60 years held. There was nothing mentioned of love, affection, or devotion. I have friends in Facebook whose comments, made more personal and meaningful remarks than those in the card Donna gave to me. Another example of the affection starvation-diet. After going through the gifts and the seal-of-approval remarks that would have demonstrated to any loving wife how the gestures, and the generosity of the gestures, were appreciated, I expected something a little better in return, than what I did get~~~a peck on the cheek. I mean---she didn't know me from Adam, but Roxanne initiated coming over to me, and my scooter, to slow-dance a 'number' performed by Cherry-Poppin Daddies, @ Central Terminal Deco Night. She held me close; and I did the same---as one would, in a slow-dance. And yes, I certainly appreciated her extending that form of affection to me. After this, Donna was off to work. When I was done with breakfast, I finished up with my computer, and an important phone-call from the Social Security office. After that, I wanted to enjoy some laughs so I went to the matinee performance of BAD TEACHER; starring Cameron Diaz. When that was finished I headed over to The Central Terminal for Deco Fest 2011: Live Music at The Central Terminal. This was an all-day event that had five groups performing. The theme was 'swing' but the performing sets, including the head-liners---the Cherry Poppin' Daddies, were a mix of Swing, Country, Bluegrass, and Rock-Blues. What was nice was that there was no dead-time. In between sets, swing-dance-instructors came onto the floor and provided swing-dance instructions to anybody---who wanted them!!

Here is the bitter part of this bittersweet day; Friday---my 60th Birthday. I expected this; that whatever I was going to do---and I did have a few things planned~~~I knew that this was going to be 'A Birthday', that I was going to be...Celebrating Alone.

--{-=@
Hickok
The Promise