Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show...(the opening lines of David Copperfield as written by Charles Dickens;inspired by MTM). Or at least this ACCOUNT will, perhaps, have a reflection on whether I'm going to be the hero in my own life.
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight~~~IRIS; The Goo-Goo Dolls
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
The aforementioned is the opening remarks to Our Declaration of Independence. The relevance!?!? A metaphor for life. And even as a million thoughts are racing through the mind to essay this journal, the time, in our lifetime, continues to roll along.
Where does one start!?!? I suppose the best place to start would be at the very very beginning. This way one would be able to take all of the corrective actions necessary so that the course of your history through life, would be made picture-perfect. Alas, I am not going to be granted that privilege. So where do we go from here??
After my birthday, the next major event on my calendar would be our anniversary. This would be on Tuesday, 9 August, 2011. This would be our 36th Wedding Anniversary. Along with the two years of courting, Donna and I have a 38 year history of being together. Like so many relationships, ours was not picture-perfect. But by-and-large, I thought, for the most part, we were getting over the hurdles, and the equity of the years together would redeem itself in a togetherness that would stand the test of time. Instead, the rigors of the hurdles were only separating us. Even as I thought I was aiding in overtaking the subsequent hurdles, Donna's mind-set was beginning to take on the desire to not be in this struggle at all, anymore. The harder I tried to make things better, the more she was inclined to be like the tortoise and retreat deeper and deeper inside her shell. These last few years, in particular, have been difficult for the both of us; in responding toward each other, as well as other family members. The strain was evident; even the kids were seeing it. It was getting to the point where Philip outwardly expressed to me his reluctance to even want to come over to the house, anymore.
With this as the vale that has been draped across our relationship for some time now, I suspected our 36th Wedding Anniversary was going to be anything but festive. I had such a feeling even at the onset of Tuesday, 9 August 2011, because there was no inkling of any fanfare in the air, whatsoever. In the past, there always was. It would usually start with an exchange of Cards. This was something that was very important to Donna. And to be honest, it was a means of expression that I very early on had learned to appreciate as a way of putting emphasis on the desired effect I were trying to impart. There had been some talk, in the previous week of cashing in on a HUTCH'S Restaurant gift-certificate as a way of at least spending some time together in a public place and that maybe through an experience like this, some redemptive qualities might surface. My thought was that I would make one last effort at salvation before I would boldly initiate a life-changing decision.
The gloom of the day was only exacerbated by a lengthy conversation that did transpire in the late afternoon. The gloom, evolved into doom. The summation of what was said translated to more bitterness, more angst, and more recoiling from any gesture I may have attempted at reconciliation. The denouement; she had disclosed that while she had bought me some 'gifts', she had not gotten me a Card. She added that there were none that conveyed her feelings. I placed the two enveloped-cards that I had gotten, on her pillow as I was getting up to conclude the meeting in the bedroom. As I passed her I said that I will leave the cards here. I added that 'you' can do with them what you want. You can read them when you want, you can put them away with the others in the keepsake, or just plain place them in Andrew's shredder. Later that Tuesday evening, during a subdued supper together at the kitchen table, Donna did disclose that she had read the cards, and that "they were nice."
Thirty-eight years of history. The reason; children. The season; nurturing & maintenance. Lifetime; the time-line of this 'life'.
I spent all day of Wednesday 10 August, thinking about everything; I mean everything. The angst, the avoidance, the tension, the bitterness, the possibilities. It is obvious neither one of us is happy. Lou, I thought, just be the man you ought to be, and just do what needs to be done. There is no 'eternity'. This 'life' is over.
When in the course of humanity; in the course of a relationship, it becomes necessary for a couple to remove the bonds that have held them together...a decency to the respect of each others wholesomeness and disposition, that an appropriate course of action should be encouraged, pursued, and effected. I hold that such truths are self-evident; that we both have equal expression in our relationship, and with the sanctity of Our Creator, we both were granted with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Life~~~in the sharing, there is no life---only shunning.
Liberty~~~in making choices; they are done unilaterally. There is an inherent vastness of the loneliness in such an experience.
The pursuit of happiness. Neither one of us---is happy. I am at my best when I am happy. And by the same token Donna is at her best, when she is happy.
Late Thursday afternoon of 11 AUGUST, 2011, I asked Donna to join me in the TV room. I knew we would have some 'quiet' time, because Erica was still running some errands in preparation for the evening going-away dinner. And Andrew, and Nicole were still at their respective workplaces.
I wanted to make sure that all of this would maintain as positive an intonation as possible. I didn't want any bitterness, or anything that would leave a sour taste in anybody's mouth. I mentioned to Donna that I want you happy; that you deserve to be happy, and that you are at your best when you are happy. To that, I added; just as I feel Donna, that I am at my best when I am happy. I can tell, I went on, that this just is not working any more. You are sad, you are bitter, and the harder I try, the more you draw into the tortoise shell of yours. I added, to throw some humor into the serious atmosphere, that you are so deep in that shell, you are not even two-rooms, or two-floors removed anymore!! She smiled. For the first time, in a long time, I felt that maybe we were getting somewhere, So I continued. I want you happy. I know you have many years yet and I know the importance of having this time and your experiences, shared.
Toward this end, Donna, I am releasing you, I am letting you go.
You are permitted to go and pursue what you feel is important and desirable to be shared in your life. Take your time; make sure your choice, or choices are right ones, but in the mean time, you can still consider this your home. But I am letting you go; I reiterated again. You have no obligation to me at all. I, of course, reminded her that we have immediate-family, and extended-family, that is going to have to come to terms with the sticker-shock, so be somewhat low-key as you are pursing your interests. Whatever unfolds, we will take it as it comes; an open marriage. The door is opened to Donna, and she was very very appreciative, and openly expressed her happiness to me. She expressed thank-yous a couple of times throughout my comments, and kissed my hand as well. She seemed genuinely relieved of what she felt entrapped in, a form of bondage if you will. I would go so far as to say that she was elated at being given the new lease on life. She actually seemed friendlier at Erica's going-back-to-college dinner-party the Family enjoyed that same Thursday evening at Amici's Restaurant. Donna sat next to me, and was refreshingly as her former self, carrying on lively and engaging conversations---with me. Of course, the bitter pill for me personally, was crawling into our marriage-bed at the end of the night, knowing that this new world I had given to Donna, was going to still leave me alone, on my side of the bed.
With the open-marriage, there is no doubt that Donna will seek to explore, and travel.
Along the way, I suspect she will find out two things. She will find what she is looking for. And along the way, I am sure she will find out that I wasn't as much the antagonist as she may have thought.
Where am I in all this?!?!? Considering that I am even able to sort through, and articulate this much, in the stillness of the eye of the hurricane, is mind-boggling. This is being formulated just days in the wake of when all of this had just transpired. Obviously, this will take some time to get a grip on.
Which is probably just as well, because I'm going to have to figure my course-of-action for the remainder of my lifetime, too.
...work still in progress
--{-=@
Hickok
The Promise
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